"Remember when the Elks Lodge was gonna fall into the river and it was in the paper everyday? Well, me and a few friends decided to write our girlfriends' names on the retaining wall, with the intention of getting some when they saw their names on the front page. Unfortunately, as soon as they did that, they stopped putting pictures of the wall in the paper. And I died a virgin."
(While playing WoW) "Don't worry, dude. I just killed the wolf that killed you. And I made a belt for you out of his ballsack."